"i no remember"

The other night while getting Nicky ready for bed, he became really upset out of the blue.  He was half fussing, on the verge of tears, and was unable to get his words out, which I'm sure frustrated him even more.  Kris tried to calm him, in order to understand what he was saying.  All Kris could understand at first was "i no remember".  When he was finally able to get the words out of Nicky, he almost wished he hadn't; the pain it has brought on is unbearable for us all.  We knew this day would come, we just didn't know when or how soon.  What Nicky said was "i no remember russia". 

We've shown him pictures.  We have a few short videos we took of him at the orphanage.  But, try as we might, he was so young.   We say "da" (yes) and "nyet" (no) to him and he either looks at us with a blank stare or just laughs.  Words that were so much a part of our lives have completely disappeared, along with his memories of his former life.  He will simply remember what we tell him.

They tell you when you adopt that at some point, the child will mourn the loss of the life he/she had prior to his/her current life.  They will realize that there is someone out there that couldn't care for them, and had to give them up.  In Nicky's case, he had a life with his birth mother, and a life at the orphanage.  I can still feel the hurt and frustration we all experienced when he was adamantly opposed to spending time with us the second trip to the orphanage.  He knew a change was coming, and that his world as he knew it was never going to be the same.  How do you make a 2 1/2 year old understand that "things will be better if you just come with us?"

We hope that our talking to him and telling him about his past isn't too much for him - he's asking so many questions all of a sudden. I suppose there's only so long we can shelter him - if I could put him in a bubble and keep him from hurting I would.

I've decided that the best birthday present for Nicky this year would be a book about his life, which tells how he came to be a part of our forever family. We want him to know how loved he is and that no matter what, he's part of us and that will never change.  Every day, we grow to be more and more the picture of a quintessential family.  Our biggest and best compliment we receive is "Wow - you only adopted him 18 months ago?  I would have never known!  It seems like he's adjusted so well, and has always been a part of your lives!"